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Why are Mormons so Hot?

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Science Groove (My Dissertation)

I'll be straight with you; this was a shameless attempt to direct more traffic to my website.  You see, at the time I wrote it, "why are Mormons so hot" was a top Google search term.  The thing I want to know is, why "Why are Mormons so hot"?  Did a secret combination of Latter-day Saints band together to bump it up there?  Did the Church's PR department do it?  Or do those not of our faith genuinely want to know why Mormons are so hot?  I think the last explanation makes the most sense.  A ploy by either the Church or some of its members just seems like way too much effort for not much result.

Now that I have your attention though, I would like to direct it to a website called Hot Mormons because it's somewhat relevant to the topic at hand, albeit slightly creepy.  This is all in fun of course - I won't insult your intelligence by pretending this is a reason to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  If we all did what certain hot people do just because they're hot, the world would be an even worse place than it already is.

Still, there's an aura about righteous Latter-day Saints.  On the plane to Salt Lake City, I sat by two residents thereof who were non-LDS (not that unlikely, since it's less than 50% LDS).  I asked them if Mormons were really weird and the guy said yes but they're all right except for when they try to convert you.  I'd been hoping to convert them so that was kind of awkward and I didn't tell them I myself was a Mormon.  That was at the beginning of the flight - not even, since we were delayed for three hours.  At the end, I was feeling guilty about my semi-deception and I confessed that my religious affiliation.  The girl gave me a cryptic smile and said, "I thought so.  You have that feeling around you."  To this day I don't know what that was supposed to mean.  It seemed distinctly flirtatious, but she'd paid zero attention to me the entire flight.

So I'd heard about this aura but this was my first personal experience with it.  I wouldn't equate this aura with "hotness" - certainly I wouldn't consider myself hot.  I'm adorable like a puppy but not hot.  Still, maybe that's the closest correlation some non-members see.  And it made me think about a couple of women I've seen around the Internet, a faithful Mormon named Molly (Molly Mormon, lol.  It's an inside joke) and a venom-spitting apostate named Trisha. Both have been liberally gifted with the quality of "hotness".  Yet when I see Molly I think "Wow what a babe I wanna marry her" and when I see Gloria I think "Meh".  Their respective auras translate into attractiveness or lack thereof, which augments or negates their existing hotness.  And that is my theory of why Mormons are so hot.  Speaking of Trisha, her answer would probably be "Because they're practicing to burn in hell."  Hahaha, oh Trisha, you kill me.  See, looks aren't everything.

But Trisha almost seems like a decent human being compared to this one girl.  I have to wonder, do people still get possessed by demons like they did in the New Testament?  No reason, just a thought.  And obviously she was an Obama voter.

But I would like to point out that Abercrombie & Fitch handled the situation nicely.  I don't know what they did, but she left my friend and I alone after I sent them this picture minus the red blobs.  So buy their clothes.

That's not to say that all Mormon girls are perfect angels.  If they are virtuous and kind and all that stuff like they're supposed to be, that's what makes them hot.  I regret that the way many Mormon girls have treated me, with dismissal and contempt, has done more damage to my self-esteem than anything else post-high school.  They haven't all been like that, of course.  And it's not that they're actually any worse than some non-member girls; it's just that one would hope for better from them.  Sometimes it adds insult to injury that we toss around the phrase "beautiful daughters of God" all the time and assume they're all so wonderful by virtue of their gender, while in the meantime they're treating me like that.  Just keep this in mind.

There's some inconsistency from the women of the Church as to whether being "hot" is desirable or not.  First you have them interviewed in the Ensign magazine saying things like "Here the boys say 'You look beautiful' instead of 'You look hot'" with the distinct implication that the former is preferable.  But then there's that whole "modest is hottest" mantra thing.  So which is it?  I believe what we have here is a miscommunication of definitions.  The closest definition for this slang usage of the word that I could find is "sexually attractive".  That's very broad and open to interpretation, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing just because it has the word "sexually" in it.  Let's be adults here.

Oh, and speaking of modesty, I'm all for it, but I think it's just a little creepy how obsessed we seem to be with it sometimes.  I'll let this hilarious article explain what I mean.

You want to see a hot Mormon?  Look no further than Al Fox.  She is physically appealing but would still be hot even with a face like a horse.  That's because her aura is the strongest I've ever "seen".  It has the power to uplift hearts and make people smile. With such a force of what is the closest to pure goodness that a human being can aspire to in the world, what chance does Satan have of carrying out his nefarious design?  For certainly he will be and is victorious in many areas, but they are means to the end of destroying civilization and making all mankind miserable like unto himself, and at that he will never succeed as long as people like Al Fox continue to draw breath.  She would, of course, be the first to tell you that Jesus Christ deserves all the credit for inspiring her to become what she is.

Sorry guys, she's taken.  I was in fact invited to her wedding reception but couldn't go because I didn't have a vehicle and nobody would give me a ride.

Some time after I'd written the above, she got bored and decided to do a Google search for her own name, and stumbled across it.  Imagine my surprise and stunned disbelief to get on Facebook that day and find a friend request from her, Al Fox, the Al Fox.  That was a highlight of my life.  And, even though she has over 2000 friends on there, she still has time to chat with me sometimes and I am happy to report that the fame has not gone to her head and she is just as amazing as ever.  Then, the day before my nineteenth birthday I snuck into an EFY at my university and had the privilege of meeting her in person.  True, we only got to talk for a couple minutes, and I managed to make it awkward and less than ideal, but still.  At least I'd asked for advice on the selection of flowers instead of just going with a dozen roses like I'd originally considered.  Now if I just get to meet Harrison Ford I can die happy.

Eventually, someone decided to go to BYU and ask some Mormons themselves.  They said basically the same things I did.  They all must have read this webpage.
(Obviously, not everybody thinks Mormons are hot.  Mark Twain famously wrote about polygamous Mormon women in Roughing It: "My heart was wiser than my head.  It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically 'homely' creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, 'No - the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their harsh censure - and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence.'"

Contrast this with an anecdote about infamous General Authority Elder J. Golden Kimball in J. Golden Kimball Stories: "Mormon missionaries were accused by the Klan of seducing the wives and daughters of the White South to be taken back to live in polygamous slavery in Utah. Golden said one only had to look at their wives and daughters to know that such a thing couldn’t possibly be true.  Even polygamists have standards.")
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